Have you heard these ridiculous “Pure Michigan” ads that Tim Allen has been voicing lately? They’re full of Tim’s syrupy tones (seriously, it’s like Buzz Lightyear smoking a joint) speaking of BS nostalgia (if you’ve never been to a place, how can you be nostalgic about it, by the way?) about golfing, hiking, swimming, and watching sunsets in Michigan, which is where Allen grew up. It’s all very touchy feely, and I’m sure doing all of these things in Michigan is a lot of fun, but they’re kind of fun at home, too, aren’t they?

I get the need to bring tourists to your state—especially when your state was one whose economy was built upon and then savagely torn apart by General Motors—but what Tim Allen needs to get is that most of us can’t afford to do these activities, let alone travel to where you want us to do what we can do in our own states in another one. Is the sunset really that much prettier in Michigan than it is in Missouri? I think not. That’s a little state-centric, isn’t it? I don’t want to go all My State Can Beat Up Your State on you, Tim, but that’s sort of what you’re making me feel with your commercials.

All kidding aside, it’s really important to support local economies right now, which is why people are often taking staycations these days rather than vacationing elsewhere. If any state deserves tourism dollars, Michigan, I’ll agree that it is you—but all of our local economies are hurting, too, and it’s much cheaper for me to raft on the Meramec here at home than in one of your lakes. (Even so, I still can’t afford the former right now—and neither can most of the people I know.)

What really bothers me about the commercials, though, is the tone it takes about raising kids. There’s one I heard on the radio the other day about how today should be different from other days, and how you should spend time with your kids just playing or being on the beach or whatever (I don’t remember the specifics) rather than being at the office or answering phone calls or whatever the cliché was. The thing is, parents shouldn’t decide to behave this way for mere moments of their lives, and only whilst in Michigan—they need to do this every day, to cherish childhood, to put time before money whenever they can, as difficult as it may be.

Really, if we stopped buying into the whole “American Dream” and the Need to Have More Stuff and the idea that we need to travel elsewhere to enjoy ourselves—as these commercials would have us believe—we could work less, have fun every day with our families instead of just once a year (as is implied in Allen’s ads), and generally be happier people.

Seriously, though, Tim, I think if you added “To infinity, and beyond!” to each ad, you’d totally get more tourists.